Wednesday, January 18, 2012

T. Rex Tuesday!

Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sattler, welcome to Jurassic Park. Well, make that T. Rex Tuesday.Since I no longer have the wonder of Survivor in my life on a Tuesday night, I've decided to dedicate the day to all things dinosaur. For those of you who have met me, my dinosaur obsession is pretty common knowledge. It began with Jurassic Park (the most awesome movie ever... let's not even bother arguing) and I think that's the best topic to start T. Rex Tuesday with.

Now, I might be a little bit biased because my first viewing of Jurassic Park was pretty much as perfect as you can get. My Mum worked at a drive in and she would always take us along with her and at this time I was the same age as Tim, the little boy in the film. So we were children. In a car. At night. If you recall, one of the most scariest scenes in the movie is when the T. Rex attacks the children. In a car. At night. This was equally cool and terrifying. I assume it's like watching Jaws on a boat, or Speed on a bus, or Snakes on a Plane on a plane.

Here are but a few reasons why I am in love with this movie...

 We start off with a view that will set the scene for this movie. Shorts. It's my opinion that Robert Muldoon, former Kenyan gamekeeper, comes out in front in the best legs competition of this movie.
Shoot her! Shoot her!
 Now we meet Donald Genaro. The blood sucking lawyer that's on Hammond's side. From this introduction it's fairly clear that this is a man who's destined to die on a toilet.
 Unlike this guy. Classic hero. 
 What happened? Uh oh Dr Grant touched the computer. Don't worry Alan, the same thing happens to me whenever I try to use my laptop, and I don't have the excuse of being in the middle of a dustbowl.
  That doesn't look very scary. More like a six foot turkey.

 Who the hell invtited this kid? Don't worry. We're all about to watch him get taught a lesson. And we're going to witness some amazing 90s fashion. I'm pretty sure I had the exact same outfit as that girl in the pink.
For a while there I thought this might have been a young Jake Gyllenhaal. I think I just wanted him to be a fat annoying kid because he's so annoyingly perfect now.

So, my not-Jake, try to imagine yourself in the Creatceous Period. You get your first look at this "six foot turkey" as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like a T. Rex (remember that for later) - he'll lose you if you don't move. But no, not velociraptor. You stare at him, and he just stares right back.
 And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side. From the other two raptors you didn't even know were there. Because velociraptor's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this...
 ...a six inch retractable claw, like a razor on the middle toe. 

He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say... no no.
 He slashes at you here.
 Or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines.
The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you. So you know... try to show a little respect.
And now Jake pees his pants and Dr Grant becomes even more of a hero to me because he is mean to annoying children.
 You can tell Dodgson is an asshole because he doesn't shut the taxi door. Sorry, I shouldn't have used his name.

 Dodgson, Dodgson, we have Dodgson here! See? Nobody cares. Nice hat! What are ya trying to look like - a secret agent?

Hahaha... rawrrr.. I can't explain the noise he makes. It's just pure Goldblum goodness.

He tied his seatbelt together. Then nodded and winked (yep, I know he winked under those sunglasses). He just trumped Indiana Jones. This is the man you want to spend your time with on this island. If you stay by his side he will make sure you are not eaten while sitting on the toilet. He will not leave you.

Oh hey Ellie, I'm just going to grab your head and make you look at those dinosaurs because they're much more interesting than that extinct leaf you've got there. Also, I totes love your glasses.

He did it. The crazy son of a bitch did it. He made his staff wear pink polo shirts.

T. Rex? You've got a T. Rex?

 Say again?
We have a T. Rex.
 Hello John.
Hello John.
Hello John.
Hello John.
Hello John.

 Mr DNA! I learnt more about genetics from this movie (and the book) than I did in biology class.
 Is that... auto-erotica?
This is one of the most underrated and unnoticed jokes.
 I'm simply saying that life, uh... finds a way.
  You bred raptors? Don't you know they can open doors?
That one... when she looks at you, you can see she's working things out. Yeah, she's working out who's the winner of Jurassic Pants. In my lowly non-raptor opinion... I give third place to Genaro, for trying to rock those shorts with a shirt, tie and suit jacket. And for owning those hairy legs. Second place to Ellie, because just look at her. Those legs are amazing. The winner, of course, is Muldoon. Short shorts, knee socks, ankle boots, legs that rival Ellie's...and the way he leans all over the raptor fence like a boss. I like that he and Grant are just chatting about raptors as if they're discussing their kids.

Dennis, our lives are in your hands and you have butterfingers? Also, you're complaining about being overworked and underpaid, yet you seem to have a whole monitor dedicated to a game of chess.

Quiet! All of you! They're approaching the Tyrannosaur paddock. Also, check out my legs!

Ah, now eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello?

Hello? Yes?

That is one big pile of shit. I love how Grant checks his shoe for poo. His one moment of being not the coolest smartest hero ever.

And that's where we'll stop for today. Looking at Jeff Goldblum standing in front of a pile of dino.. dino droppings.


(Yes, I know it's not Tuesday. But when I was writing this Tuesday night turned into early Wednesday morning, which turned into "crap, I need to be up for work in four hours". I also planned on just one post, but this already has too many pictures in it because I have so many favourtie moments. So this is part 1 - before shit gets messed up. Part 2 coming soon!)
Part 2
Part 3

All pictures were screencapped by me because I needed yet another excuse to watch it.

You will remember to wash your hands before you eat anything?


  1. This was the most entertainting side on the web I've ever come across in 14 years XD

    1. The internet's been around for 14 years? Man that makes me feel old. Glad you enjoyed :)

  2. I've been laughing with tears through all of part 1 - I must go on to parts 2 & 3, I swear you must be my long lost twin.

  3. Brilliant post. Love this movie and just rewatched it the other day. My lord Muldoon has some killer thighs. Somehow little 7 year old me missed that when I first watched it. What a pity. *laughs*

  4. briiilliant !

    -Daniel D A